Top 5 Strangest Things from Cosmetic Sci-Fi

Cracks that seem like they are going to take you to another dimension ? 📡 

Complexions more terrifying than Vecna's? 🧟‍♂️  

There are things that only exist in science fiction. And with the 80s revival of the new season of Stranger Things we have taken to collecting those cosmetic stories... that there are still people who believe are real.   

Masks made from ingredients from the LIDL fresh section, TikTok trends and your grandmother's recipes based on olive oil and Coca Cola that may seem like the most... but that not even your trusted demogorgon would dare to throw out without facing negative consequences.

Top 5 (yes, we said 5 😏) bad sci-fi cosmetic tips 

Chapter 1 - get rid of pimples  

We are talking about annihilating a villainous pimple, a pimple darker than a Mind Scourge's asshole or pores more open than a portal to the Upside Down, to put it finely.  

The top 3 of the most popular home remedies (and that do not work) for fighting them is made up of: 

• Toothpaste before going to sleep. Works? - only on the outside (it's still juicy on the inside) and they also don't tell you the price to pay and no, we're not talking about the price of Colgate. 
• Alcohol to drown the sorrows... and that leaves your grains drier than esparto grass... and what is not granite too, ⚠️ be careful ⚠️.
• Stay in the sun until your pimples burn like old socks on a clothesline. The sunscreen is neither there nor expected. A plan without cracks or consequences for your face. (it's pure irony... it's bread for today... grains for the rest of the year)

Chapter 2 - The masterchef of homemade masks

Honey, oats, egg, sugar, lemon, salt, cinnamon... In the end you don't know if you are making a mask or a mid-morning brunch.

But rubbing your baby with a crushed avocado, beating an egg on your face or washing yourself with shots of lemon and salt (better for nights of bullying and twerking) sounds very realfooder and very much like a surprise that visits you after using it (unstable vitamins, non-active vehicles, a garden for PM bacteria...)

Chapter 3- The hair in the wind

What do you want to look like your eighties hair? Add red onion. What do you want to forget about dandruff? Wash your head with beer. What do you want an instant shine? Wash with fabric softener.  We have also read that you can add banana, strawberries, tomato... or a summer gazpachito from root to tip.   

Obviously none of this helps beyond leaving your head smelling like lightning or ending up with 'There's Something About Mary' hair.

Chapter 4- Getting Conguito

Best ingredients to get tan? Coca-Cola on the buttocks, olive oil for sunbathing, eating a lot of carrots... 

Of course yes wapi! Say holi to the rays of the sun; to a little color like 'Torrezno de Soria'... and why not to a melanoma that goes off all scales as a new flat and life partner.

Chapter 5- The plant's moisturizers for your baby

Mayonnaise, egg white... or tearing off the Aloe leaf that your mother has in your house and rubbing it all over your cheeks, we believe that it is not the best of ideas.   

Well, we're already repeating ourselves. That does not penetrate, it is not stable, it is not protected against the bacteria that grow naturally in those foods, it can clog your pores... economical? can it be… risky? permanent.

Conclusion: don't put weird things on your face.

Let anyone who is free from having tried to speed up tanning with Johnson's Baby oil, exfoliate with bottled Nescafé or find the perfect recipe on YouTube to eliminate pimples 25 minutes before a night of twerking cast the first stone.

We have all fallen at some point expecting supernatural results.   

But, fortunately (or unfortunately), there are things that are only made for fiction.   

Better to stop using ointments made in the pantry of your house and let science and real professionals always put us in our place and take care of our faces as they deserve. Because your face has to hurt because you are handsome and not because you make it look like a Christ.  

PS.And to keep the pimples, blackheads and whiteheads in a parallel reality that doesn't catch you even close, without strange movements worthy of The X-Files…   

This week's post is sponsored by our Coffee Crush: an exfoliant to show off a face so pristine that it looks like you're wearing it for the first time every day.