It turns out that 12 years ago, some lost soul had the brilliant idea that, if there was a day to celebrate love, there should also be one for heartbreak.

July 29th is "celebrated" as International Heartbreak Day. International and democratic, because we've all had our hearts broken more than Alejandro Sanz's in the entire history of music.

And if you give us a choice, we'd skip Mr. Wonderful's little tips or self-help TikToks about How to get over a breakup. We are more about (so-called) mourning:

• Family-sized tubs of ice cream, made in Mercadona.
• Twerking to forget.
• Public suffering, Chenoa level in a tracksuit at her front door.
• […]

So, that's why today we're bringing you a double dose of #antiadvice for heartbreak:

• Our top 10 shitty phrases 🤮 that you once heard (or said).
• Our top 10 recommendations that wouldn't endorse your breakup therapy, but your bbf will think are the best option.

Shitty phrases they tell you about a breakup

1. “DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S CALLED R"FREQUENCY? BECAUSE IT WAS ALREADY BROKEN."

Thank you, Paulo Coelho. Perhaps what's broken is your ability to empathize with my current self-destructive urges.

2. “NO EVIL LASTS A HUNDRED YEARS/ TIME HEALS ALL HEALTH/ TIME PUTS EVERYONE IN THEIR PLACE”

Could you specify what unit of time we're talking about? I use three: TikTok, YouTube videos, or Netflix episodes.

3. “BETTER ALONE THAN IN BAD COMPANY”

As two contemporary philosophers of your style already said… “Out with the bad, no, no, no/ I don’t want anything bad, no, no, no.

4. “WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES, ANOTHER WINDOW OPENS.”

Or they slam the door in your face, leaving you so broken that not even Joseba from Carglass can fix you (because Carglass replaces and repairs, but doesn't perform miracles).

5. “IT’S JUST ONE CHAPTER IN YOUR LIFE. BUT DON’T CLOSE THE BOOK.”

I didn't know she'd asked the Book Club for advice. Nothing beats imagining your life like a Larousse encyclopedia when you're over your ex.

6. “NOW IT’S YOUR TURN TO LOVE YOURSELF.”

But I love myself all year round! Now I do, but not before? Was my ex not compatible with me? self-love?

7. “DON’T OVERTHINK IT.“

Tell that to the spinning head of me thinking about 99 scenes where I tell him off and put on a show with pyrotechnics included, like Eleni Foureira at Eurovision.

8. “INSTEAD OF CRYING OVER WHAT YOU'VE LOST, SMILE FOR WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED”

To learn, I'll get a Domestika package or a documentary. What I wanted was a healthy relationship: holding hands in the street and having our arms around each other's necks in bed.

9. “THAT MEANS IT WASN'T FOR YOU”

May's screwed us over. You just read my mind, Dr. Obvious. I knew it wasn't for me. What's annoying is that the time investment is like Primark underwear that you can't return.

10. “IT IS BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THAN NEVER TO HAVE LOVED”

And much better than that is simply dedicating oneself to things that bring enjoyment. Because at a certain age, suffering for no reason doesn't add anything worthwhile, and what doesn't add value gets discarded.

The 10 #anti-tips that neither Mr. Wonderful nor your therapist would recommend (because you might discover that you were the toxic one in the relationship)

1. Fuck your exSet a limit, though. A maximum of 10 times. But a farewell fling for the good times is a bad decision we all want to make.

2. Blame him for everything. He deserves a place in the seventh circle of hell. Point the finger at him. The time will come to make peace, be cordial, and behave like adults (or not).

3. Throw away their things and/or burn them. Live your authentic bonfire of confrontations… not for poetic justice… but for a good 15 minutes of anecdote to tell and be ashamed of in the future.

4. Assemble a good final chicken. Seek explanations, demand answers. A good catharsis will give you closure and a way to start rebuilding.

5. BKeep him away from social media. If you want, create fake profiles to see who he's sleeping with now and to take new screenshots for blackmail.

6. Listen to the sorrows of others. They say misery loves company… but hearing about other people's misfortunes works, at least for a while.

7. Change your look drastically, open a TikTok account and record yourself dancing to Tusa, master Tinder, transform yourself into the nightclub closer of your city… If there's ever a perfect excuse to briefly relive your rebellious teenage years without anyone judging you, this is it.

8. Get a little high.. That when he crosses paths with you on the street he has to make the tremendous effort to remember why he broke your heart... and nothing else.

9. CryScream, stomp your feet, hate, wallow in resentment, badmouth your colleagues… Do it ALL. This isn't the time to be rational and logical. But don't let it become a routine. You didn't get out of one relationship to jump into another heartbroken one.

10. And most importantly: When someone gives you lame advice that leaves you colder than your ex's heart... reread this post and give them the response they deserve.

Give each other lots of good love. ❤️‍🔥

P.S: This week's post is sponsored by our Giggleberries, a moisturizing and deodorizing cream for your 🍆 on nights of intense reggaeton dancing.

Because one nail doesn't drive out another, but hammering from time to time releases enough energy to empty a hardware store.